the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk