Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
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You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol