my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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