God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
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It was like getting head from an anaconda
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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