When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my being single is dangerous.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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