mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
