Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
