I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
