i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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