can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
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He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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