just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
