i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
