not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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