Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I love how my cats smell like pot.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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