I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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