god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
