Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
