your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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