quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Randomize
