i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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