My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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