I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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