if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
