Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
