nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
