then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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