maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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