I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
