I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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