glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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