maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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