So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
