I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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