Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
