A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
