he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
