i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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