Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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