I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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