I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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