im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
