Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
