we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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