I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
