2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
