Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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