Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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