cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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