sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
