why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
