Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
