i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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