nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
