Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
