Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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