I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
